April 27, 2025 | MAGA WEEKLY SATIRE
By David N. Harding, Staff Writer
In a move that left economists gasping and globalists reaching for their therapy lattes, President Donald J. Trump this week officially declared April 22nd "Liberation Day" — a brand-new national holiday celebrating America's economic independence from "foreign freeloaders."
The announcement came with a sweeping new tariff plan, imposing a 10% levy on all imports, and even higher rates for nations that "don't treat America like the king it is."
Markets briefly dipped following the announcement, but White House officials quickly assured the public that this was not a "crash," but rather a "patriotic tremor" — a natural physical response to the sheer greatness of Trump's strategy.
"It’s like the feeling you get when you first see a bald eagle flex its wings in slow motion," explained Trump’s new economic advisor, Kid Rock. "Pure American adrenaline."
Meanwhile, China reportedly sent a tearful Hallmark card reading, "Why are you doing this to us?" Germany held a candlelight vigil, and the European Union opened emergency negotiations titled "Operation Please Don’t Leave Us."
USDA Cracks Down: Illegals to Lose Access to Government Cheese
In another major move, the USDA, under Trump's direction, announced new measures to prevent illegal immigrants from accessing SNAP benefits.
Blue cities across the country immediately declared a "state of culinary emergency," fearing potential shortages of vegan cheese, oat milk, and kale-based meat substitutes. One distraught Whole Foods manager was seen weeping into his quinoa salad.
President Trump, addressing the nation from a Five Guys burger joint, declared:
"Americans are gonna be eating steak again. Big, beautiful, USDA Prime steaks. You're gonna love it. It’s gonna be so delicious, liberals are gonna cry just smelling it."
Pam Bondi to Journalists: "Sweetheart, You're Not Special"
In a glorious return to law and order, Attorney General Pam Bondi scrapped Obama-era press protections that shielded reporters from subpoenas during leak investigations.
CNN immediately installed panic buttons under all on-air desks. MSNBC announced "mandatory safe spaces" in their studios.
When pressed for comment, Bondi simply smiled and said:
"We love the First Amendment. We also love the Espionage Act. It’s called multitasking, sweetheart."
Sources say multiple anonymous reporters are now updating their LinkedIn profiles to "freelance barista."
Cow Wall? Trump Suggests Livestock Border to Combat Screwworm Invasion
After the USDA issued warnings about Mexican livestock carrying the New World screwworm — a pest described by scientists as "worse than a woke college freshman" — Trump proposed a bold solution:
"Maybe we build a second wall... but this one’s just for cows. Very good cows. Hardworking cows. Unlike certain groups we won’t name."
The idea, dubbed the Moo-rican Defense Act, is reportedly polling at 87% approval among cattle ranchers, and 94% among cows.
Another Week of Tremendous Winning
Despite mainstream media hysteria predicting "economic Armageddon," "international outrage," and "potential cow uprisings," the Trump White House confidently reported another victorious week.
When asked how he remains so composed amidst all the drama, Trump leaned into the microphone and said:
"Easy. I’m immune to fake news, bad vibes, and screwworms. Total immunity. Maybe the best immunity anyone’s ever seen."
Sources close to the President confirmed later that doctors diagnosed him with a rare condition known as Extreme Alpha Syndrome. Side effects include spontaneous success, immunity to globalist tears, and uncontrollable charisma.
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